dilemma

What I want to be doing:

Writing a couple papers basically musing about the following concepts (these are real assignments!):
-ubuntu
-echad/wholeness/post-modernism
-the effects of modernism/industrial revolution
-public responsibility in social development
-Public psychology
-capitalism and the american dream and how they effect our domestic and foreign policy
-modernization, dependency, and world systems theories
-logos/zoe

What I am doing:

Waiting for a video to convert so I can import it into After Effects and get really frustrated when I try to edit it in any way. And also getting frustrated that my idea is going nowhere, at least not in a collage format. I may need a new idea. So I have moved on to my mashup instead!

Failure

I have been failing royally recently. Miraculously, my grades seem to still be in order. This is not some "woe is me", "I just try so hard" failing either. It is just blatant loss of will to do the right thing. Failing over and over and over. When I try to will myself to do the right thing, I fall flat on my face.

So I am trying something new. I am trying to return to God every time this happens. "God, I'm sorry. I messed up." And just sitting there with Him. I'm not sure why. But it seems a better option than the cycle of self-beating that goes on in my head. Because though I may feel guilty for a minute, I always fail again. Self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps?

I've also considered the fact that this cycle may be a small, more dormant part of my anxiety issues. My anxiety is usually oriented around situations in which I feel trapped with no escape. Perhaps I feel trapped in my schedule/schoolwork/etc. so I do any small thing I can to escape. Skip, sleep, etc. Or maybe I'm just a lazy bastard. I don't want to justify myself too much.

Porch Sitting

There are a few things I want in my eventual home. One is a good dining room table. One that people like to sit at.

The other is a sitting porch. It really doesn't have to be much. Stone steps will do, as long as people congregate there.

I really love Grand Rapids. I'm sitting on some stone steps outside Justin's house on College Ave., just south of Wealthy. I'm listening to Rubber Soul, my favorite Beatles album. The sun is warming my toes. This love of Grand Rapids atmosphere may be because I've never really lived in the city. I would like to.

There's just something about downtown GR in the sunshine....

Failed attempts at cooking

I just attempted to make a baked potato. I overcooked the broccoli and what came out of the microwave looked like a small, brown, shriveled creature.

So, in lieu of that, I cut up some cheddar, and strawberries, and I have some great whole grain sesame crackers and a couple yeast rolls. Not an extremely diverse meal, but a tasty and pretty wholesome one nonetheless.

I am currently sitting on the couch, waiting for the Oscars, converting some video, and feeling a small sense of dread about the week ahead. Praying for motivation, courage, and a desire to work hard, instead of the small voice that always encourages me to take shortcuts.

Scheduling

I posted this on the One-Year challenge blog, but I wanted it here too.

Ok, so I often feel very overwhelmed. Feeling like I have a ton to do, no time, etc.

I think this semester has had a LOT less rhythm than last semester. The only thing that was different last semester was the fact that I got to bed between 10:30 and 11:30 just about every school night. I even had more credit hours. I just felt so much more on top of things.

SO... I have made a detailed schedule. and I really really want to stick to it. The important additions are the times spent in my room in the evenings. These are the things I need to focus on. Too often I find myself dinking around during those times.

And, as much as I hate to admit it, I think the television really has been a problem. I think I took too much pride in the fact that in the past couple years I have done pretty well at doing without television. But apparently I got sucked in again.

I did leave myself a couple hours. I really like when Mattie and I just sit on the couch with our lappys, making fun of commercials and showing each other our internet findings. They are good times.

so here it is! *fanfare* I really really want to stick to this.


oh, and the oscars are on sunday. haha oops.

60 degrees in February

I just wanted to make a list of things that enriched my day today. I am still very very overwhelmed, but I have attempted to make some progress. I still have a long way to go, but today had some lovely points.

-I did not have to wear a coat.
-It got above 60 degrees!
-The sun was shining!
-16mm was all about producing and I got really excited about script breakdowns.
-I met a calico kitty sleeping in the sunshine in an antique shop. I pet him for a while, and he purred.
-I met a doggie in another antique shop. A very fluffy, black, licky, happy doggie. I pet her for a while as well.
-_______________________________________!
-I sat around the Gretz's dining room table with Anna and Sara and talked while eating some yummy oatmeal.
-I accidentally fell asleep for three hours. (This wasn't an extremely good thing, but it sure felt good)
-The Willy Wonka episode of Family Guy is on.

AAAAAHHH

Oh my goodness. So much going on.

-Producing a film that is to be shot in about a month. ack!
-Making two editing-intense web videos.
-Writing a long paper about a significant journey in my life. Not something you can really just write. I have to try and switch my brain off of school mode and into writing emotionally mode.
-Reading, writing, and thinking about Global Development/Poverty.
-Understanding and practicing Algebra concepts. (that are NOT review, actually. lame.)
-Realizing I will hopefully be done with school in June and trying to make sure I accomplish that.
-Doing my taxes.
-Oh, you know. Other things.