Failure

I have been failing royally recently. Miraculously, my grades seem to still be in order. This is not some "woe is me", "I just try so hard" failing either. It is just blatant loss of will to do the right thing. Failing over and over and over. When I try to will myself to do the right thing, I fall flat on my face.

So I am trying something new. I am trying to return to God every time this happens. "God, I'm sorry. I messed up." And just sitting there with Him. I'm not sure why. But it seems a better option than the cycle of self-beating that goes on in my head. Because though I may feel guilty for a minute, I always fail again. Self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps?

I've also considered the fact that this cycle may be a small, more dormant part of my anxiety issues. My anxiety is usually oriented around situations in which I feel trapped with no escape. Perhaps I feel trapped in my schedule/schoolwork/etc. so I do any small thing I can to escape. Skip, sleep, etc. Or maybe I'm just a lazy bastard. I don't want to justify myself too much.