like...oh em gee

so here's how fifteen years old I am right now...

I went to the mall today to return some American Eagle jeans. I actually tried to shop the mall and mostly felt very stupid and ugly and poor. Especially my hair and braces.

I got really angry and mostly just cried a lot when my parents wouldn't let me drive down to see my boyfriend. After explaining how much keys and locksmiths cost and hinting at my consistent absentmindedness and lack of judgment.

I have now shut myself in the only available room in the house to write it in my blog.

That's how fifteen years old I am right now.

And the thing is... I realize it's stupid. I realize they love me and I lock my keys in my car all the time and they just bought me a new car after I totaled the last one they bought me... 6 months ago. And it's dark outside and I've never driven the car before.

And I realize I am blessed and not poor at all and in very good health.

but my inner fifteen year old seems to have commandeered me for the time being.

Winter Song

I just tuned into The Tonight Show for the tail end tonight. I always forget that Conan doesn't actually start until 12:35.

But I am so glad I did. Sometimes I am just in a place where a song can reach straight through me to the core. This one was called Winter Song, sung by Ingrid Michaelson and Sara Bareilles. Now, I am as sick of "not gonna write you a love song..." as anyone else. But tonight, Winter Song was so beautiful to me.

Immediately after it was over, I opened my laptop and begged it for internet. Miraculously, a totally new network appeared and allowed me to get the album from itunes (it's called The Hotel Café). It was probably a Christmas miracle.

Some of my recent days have been rough. I'm trying to do and think all the right things. Trying to be healthy, etc. But nothing feels natural. I have no rhythm. Everything is forced or difficult.

I don't want to be that way. But then, what I do is try not to be that way.

I think some surrender is in order.

musical musings

My music collection has become somewhat stale as of late. I've been on the lookout for new things, but I also realized I'm not sure what I even like anymore. So, I've been listening around with a pretty open mind... and ears. I've found a couple of things that I am interested in.

1. La Dispute - Somewhere at the Bottom of the River Between Vega and Altair
While we were setting up for a shoot yesterday, Jake put their new album on. It was really good. I don't have it yet, but this is one that I want to buy from the source instead of pirate, because it's a local band and I want to support them.

2. Marc Broussard
Yeah, he's been around for a while, but I just saw him on Leno again recently. I think he's just good feel-good music. I really just want to collect any of his songs wherever I can find them, and not spend $45 to buy all of his albums.

3. Rosie Thomas- A Very Rosie Christmas
I am very excited about this album and will also be buying it soon. I am also hoping to go see her Christmas concert downtown in December. mmmmm....


Any other suggestions?

the race problem

So, I was warned of the following phenomenon last semester by my Sociology professor, and I find it particularly potent now.

The media last night and today have been going on and on about how significant it is that America has elected a president of mixed race.

and yes, it is amazing. Don't misunderstand me. This is huge. It gives hope to the oppressed all over the country and the world. It expands the imaginations of young black children, making anything possible to them. Last night will be written about as an enormous breakthrough in our country's history, 40 years after the death of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

However, I have heard more than one reporter talk about how this is the end to the race problem. Saying that we've beat it, it is no longer a part of us.

This is simply not true. The residues of our country's racial divisions still lurk in every corner. In every interracial interaction, the nuances of racism are there. In media coverage, the music industry, the grocery store, the judgements seep through.

And I'm not pulling for equality in the sense that everyone's culture is integrated and looks the same. But the goal is equal respect for every human being.

just sayin...

thrown into this position once again...

So, for my Media Production class this morning, we were supposed to have prepared a pitch for a short narrative film. The two best would be chosen by the class and produced. Whoever's pitch got chosen would be the director. So, I procrastinated all weekend. And last night after I drove home from Kalamazoo I was dead tired. It was only 10pm, but it was really 11pm due to daylight savings. I couldn't keep my eyes open, much less write a pitch. So I went to bed.

So this morning, I find myself driving to school at 7:45am trying to come up with a pitch. Finally, I scrape one together in my mind scribble it down once I get to class, and hand it in.

I am convinced that this horrible behavior was my subconscious way of saying that I do not want to be a director. I'm not a visionary; I'm a detail person. I am a producer.

But the stupid thing got picked! Agh!

I mean, yeah, cool. People liked my idea. That feels nice.

but man, this is going to be one hectic finals time.

zombies and drug addicts

It's been one year and three days since that fateful night.

The first time he laid eyes on me, I was smoking a cigarette, wearing a mask of makeup, and a black wig.

Something happened that night through card games, silly jokes, and the pure awkwardness of being at a party where you don't know anyone.

Later that night we found out that we both gurgled!

and the next thing you know, a whole year is in the books.

Letters to my Daughters

This morning, the Today Show featured a small spot with Maya Angelou regarding her new book, Letters to my Daughter.

Mattea and I were blown away by her. We just kept turning to each other with eyes wide. Some people just bring their presence and spirit crashing into whatever context they find themselves in. In the midst of the cheesy, shallow journalism that is the Today Show, Maya Angelou brought her love, confidence, humility, and faith.

She told Ann Curry, "I have no daughter. This book was written for all my daughters, no matter their color, race, age, or sexual orientation. This book was written for you."

I can't even find words to explain the experience. I want to meet Maya. And needless to say, I want to read this book.

our small guardian

When Barnabas and I drove into the parking area for Obed, we were greeted by Ethan, Kindrea, and Kyrin. This little guy was also standing there waiting for us as we got out of the car. We asked Ethan and Kindrea who he was, and they said he had just wandered in to greet them too.

He was very dirty and had a bad case of mange on his backside. But his face was sweet and his chocolate brown eyes were large and trusting. I was the only one to touch him for the most part, but I was also not handling a baby, nor was I allergic.

He trotted along behind us as we lugged our packs to our camp. Though the path was treacherous, he never seemed to get underfoot. We decided to try to name him something. We started off with Mange, then Mange-Butt, which eventually transformed into Butt-Much. Not sure why, but that stuck.

It came around to dinner time and he was still around. He didn't beg, but just looked hopefully at our food. We didn't feed him, hoping he would go home to be fed.

Instead, he curled up in the corner of the cave we were camping in.

The next morning, he was still there, and rose with us for breakfast.

He followed Ethan, Barnabas, and I up to the top of the cliffs where we were tying off some climbing ropes. He wound his way expertly through the brush, coming perilously close to the edge of the rock. Always sure-footed.

We ended up rappelling down the rock. As each of us went down in turn, Butt-Munch got more and more anxious. We told him to go find the trail. That he couldn't come with us.

When we had all made it down, we heard piercing, anxious barks from the top. "Go around, buddy! Go around!" The barks continued for a few minutes, and we worried that he would try to jump. Eventually he stopped.

We sat down to eat lunch, and about a half-hour later, Butt-Munch trotted triumphantly over a distant hill and we exploded with yells. "There he is! He made it! Yay! Good job, buddy!" I think we kind of scared him with our enthusiasm, because he started to cower, but he came over, and we gave him some tortilla which he scarfed down.

He stayed with us the rest of the day. Curling up in the leaves while we climbed.


At dinner, Barnabas accidentally charred a piece of chicken, so we gave it to Butt-Munch once it cooled. He practically inhaled it.

As we set up camp again, he wandered around, but stuck close. He never got too close to Kyrin, never got into our bags, and if we told him to stay away from something specific, he would.

But he would come instantly when called, and loved to be scratched and cuddled.

Sunday morning came, and we packed up. He followed us back to the cars. Even as other climbers came, he showed interest, but never wandered from our sides. We knew the time was coming when we'd have to leave him.

As a parting gesture, Barnabas bent down and gave him a good scratch. Butt-Munch's little body wriggled with happiness. We got into our cars, and with fake force told him to go home. Ethan and Kindrea drove off. But Butt-Munch waited for Barn and I. As we started to drive, he trotted beside our slow car. We drove past a couple houses, Butt-Munch trotting along the bank of the road, almost at level with our windows. From out of nowhere, a huge bull-dog came running toward him. I gasped in horror as the dog bowled Butt-Munch over and the two rolled in a momentary scuffle. Barnabas was about to pull the car over, when they broke apart and Butt-Munch looked again at us.

"Buddy, we have to go," I said. Barnabas looked at me sadly, with a look that said, "I have to do it." and he gunned the accelerator.

I looked behind us to see Butt-Munch running as fast as he could after us. His legs pounding the dirt. I let out a dry sob and turned around to face the front. I started to cry.

So, this post is the least I can do to remember our brave friend and guardian who brought a spirit of courage, adventure, and love to our small cave that October weekend.

exhaustion

I am utterly exhausted. This has been the longest week of the semester. But it's over now.

Now I just have to accept that fact and let go. I got really excited for this weekend the past couple of days and I really want that attitude to return. I want the desire for adventure. The openness to uncomfortable situations. The willingness to just try.

Let's do this.

(oh, by the way, this is camping and rock climbing in Obed, Tennessee with Barnabas, Ethan, Kindrea and Kyrin.)

halleleujah...salvation and glory...

Last night I got to go to His House for the first time in a while. Well, I was there to shoot a scene with Lindsey afterwards. But I'm glad I was there. Sometimes I forget what it's like to sing with a group. We sang a song that reminded me of TST (long ago, when I was a camper) and it's one of my favorite songs. and it just felt lovely to sing. Plus it's in rounds, so it sounds gorgeous.

I am being provided for.

halleleujah salvation and glory
honor and power unto the lord our god
for the lord our god is almighty
the lord our god is omnipotent
the lord our god, he is wonderful

all praises be
to the king of kings
and the lord of lords
he is wonderful

so long sweet autumn...

I am sitting in the basement of Lake Superior Hall, importing footage for my documentary.
I have class in 15 minutes.

I feel a bit numb. It's cold outside, the wind is biting. and I am overwhelmed. Thankfully, I am out of the panic stage and into the productive stage, but that doesn't change the actual size of my work load.

Speaking of load, I was wondering yesterday, when did "butt load" become a term of measurement? "Man, I've got a butt load of homework to do." Is that weird to anyone else? It's weird to me.

I am sad that I am missing my favorite month of the year. The leaves cheer me on my way to and from school, but I don't get to sit and enjoy them. I haven't been able to take a walk, knit, or take photos of the leaves. I hope that I can experience one great autumn day: crisp air, warm sunshine, and leaves the color of fire.

Over-priced chicken salad

Why is it impossible to find chicken salad anywhere? Honestly. I've tried. and there's usually one tiny tub for $5.

Today I bought a chicken salad croissant for $4, and let me just say, it was overpriced. I was hoping to get a refreshing lunch to gear up for my shoot this afternoon, but mostly I just have a lot of mayo on my face.

I did however, happen upon a renaissance faire on campus just now. They are so entertaining. It might take me a couple hours to get the patchouli smell out of my nose and greensleeves out of my head.

everything is sunshine when you hold my hand...

Pippin helps me study sometimes. She's so dark you can only see her outline. hah.

I ganked some of my old music from my parents computer tonight. Hence the Hollies reference in my title.

I drove to Kalamazoo tonight for a few reasons. I hadn't seen my folks in a while, nor will I see them much in the coming weeks. I also needed to do laundry and pick up my car that was getting fixed. I also had to write an 800-word paper tonight, so I figured this would be a good place to do it. It's never completely necessary, but sometimes I freak out if I don't have internet while writing a paper. I have to double-check so many things online.

and it only took me three hours! So rock on. and I didn't even have to drink the emergency Red Bull I bought. Thank goodness. Those things are nasty.

I am not sure of the exact reasons, but I have felt so much more on top of things this semester. I mean, I still get stressed out, no doubt. But I seem to have a better grasp on what I can control and what I can't. Also, I just seem to be able to get things done. and sleep. Those were always tricky before.

Well, not an extremely profound post, but an update nonetheless.

in the city of blinding lights

So I saw Barack Obama in person this morning. It was pretty crazy. Granted, he was quite far away, but still, some of our oxygen particles probably exchanged at some point or something.

I'm still not sure who I'm voting for. I would have given McCain a chance if he hadn't chosen Palin. But I don't know if I align enough with Barack. However, there is always that lingering feeling of helplessness if you vote with a third party.

However, in the big picture, it doesn't really matter. My friend Bill who is very smart and eloquent is better at talking about these things than I am. So read his stuff instead.

But the rally was fun. Wandering amid thousands of people, being swiped with a metal-detector-swipey-thing. I bought a $5 button to document the occasion and there were lots of U2 songs playing on the loudspeakers. Then they played some random country song for the two democrats who like that kind of thing.

They also used an audience track to get people excited at certain points in the speech. I think that's kind of cheating, but it made me laugh.

Speaking of making me laugh, the Vice Presidential debate is on tonight...

Familiarity and Purpose

I just ran into a kid from my French class last semester. His name is Hassim. I didn't know him very well, but he always told me I looked like Amélie. When I saw him today, he rushed over and gave me a big hug. It was surprising and funny. but a nice addition to my day.

I also was greeted with a hug by Matt Szuminski this morning, an old TST friend.

and just in the past five minutes I spent some time catching up with a director friend of mine.

I guess I kind of made it, huh? I transferred. I love these days when I don't feel like I am in a strange place surrounded by strangers.

I've been thinking and praying about purpose a lot lately. I've never really been one to do that. I mean, I remember praying a lot about whether or not to transfer to Grand Valley, but I remember never feeling like I was getting direction. Ultimately I just got the message that, "You know, it really doesn't matter what you choose. You will be fine either place. You will not disappoint me with your choice. Just choose."

and I was always really confused by that. I thought God was supposed to lead you places. But, you know, he does. I just think sometimes it's a much more natural process. More about timing and opportunity than an endless string of forks in the road, always stressing about which is the best possible route.

I am again faced with a sort of fork, a rather large one, actually. And it's funny that on this day, Jon should post this on Stuff Christians Like (yep, it's occasionally serious).

That, along with some other small signposts I've encountered have helped to answer my prayerful plea that my fear would go away.

I am ready for an adventure.

Mature Blog

Last week Carolyn told me that I should post on my blogspot account. Shall I be making the switch indeed? I haven't posted on my old blog in almost two months, and very sparingly before then.

We shall see. Perhaps this will be a nice change. I've been wanting a .mac account to upload my own iWeb site, but perhaps this will be a less costly compromise.

so, without any further ado, I shall begin. Prepare yourself.