like...oh em gee

so here's how fifteen years old I am right now...

I went to the mall today to return some American Eagle jeans. I actually tried to shop the mall and mostly felt very stupid and ugly and poor. Especially my hair and braces.

I got really angry and mostly just cried a lot when my parents wouldn't let me drive down to see my boyfriend. After explaining how much keys and locksmiths cost and hinting at my consistent absentmindedness and lack of judgment.

I have now shut myself in the only available room in the house to write it in my blog.

That's how fifteen years old I am right now.

And the thing is... I realize it's stupid. I realize they love me and I lock my keys in my car all the time and they just bought me a new car after I totaled the last one they bought me... 6 months ago. And it's dark outside and I've never driven the car before.

And I realize I am blessed and not poor at all and in very good health.

but my inner fifteen year old seems to have commandeered me for the time being.

Winter Song

I just tuned into The Tonight Show for the tail end tonight. I always forget that Conan doesn't actually start until 12:35.

But I am so glad I did. Sometimes I am just in a place where a song can reach straight through me to the core. This one was called Winter Song, sung by Ingrid Michaelson and Sara Bareilles. Now, I am as sick of "not gonna write you a love song..." as anyone else. But tonight, Winter Song was so beautiful to me.

Immediately after it was over, I opened my laptop and begged it for internet. Miraculously, a totally new network appeared and allowed me to get the album from itunes (it's called The Hotel Café). It was probably a Christmas miracle.

Some of my recent days have been rough. I'm trying to do and think all the right things. Trying to be healthy, etc. But nothing feels natural. I have no rhythm. Everything is forced or difficult.

I don't want to be that way. But then, what I do is try not to be that way.

I think some surrender is in order.