dilemma

What I want to be doing:

Writing a couple papers basically musing about the following concepts (these are real assignments!):
-ubuntu
-echad/wholeness/post-modernism
-the effects of modernism/industrial revolution
-public responsibility in social development
-Public psychology
-capitalism and the american dream and how they effect our domestic and foreign policy
-modernization, dependency, and world systems theories
-logos/zoe

What I am doing:

Waiting for a video to convert so I can import it into After Effects and get really frustrated when I try to edit it in any way. And also getting frustrated that my idea is going nowhere, at least not in a collage format. I may need a new idea. So I have moved on to my mashup instead!

Failure

I have been failing royally recently. Miraculously, my grades seem to still be in order. This is not some "woe is me", "I just try so hard" failing either. It is just blatant loss of will to do the right thing. Failing over and over and over. When I try to will myself to do the right thing, I fall flat on my face.

So I am trying something new. I am trying to return to God every time this happens. "God, I'm sorry. I messed up." And just sitting there with Him. I'm not sure why. But it seems a better option than the cycle of self-beating that goes on in my head. Because though I may feel guilty for a minute, I always fail again. Self-fulfilling prophecy perhaps?

I've also considered the fact that this cycle may be a small, more dormant part of my anxiety issues. My anxiety is usually oriented around situations in which I feel trapped with no escape. Perhaps I feel trapped in my schedule/schoolwork/etc. so I do any small thing I can to escape. Skip, sleep, etc. Or maybe I'm just a lazy bastard. I don't want to justify myself too much.

Porch Sitting

There are a few things I want in my eventual home. One is a good dining room table. One that people like to sit at.

The other is a sitting porch. It really doesn't have to be much. Stone steps will do, as long as people congregate there.

I really love Grand Rapids. I'm sitting on some stone steps outside Justin's house on College Ave., just south of Wealthy. I'm listening to Rubber Soul, my favorite Beatles album. The sun is warming my toes. This love of Grand Rapids atmosphere may be because I've never really lived in the city. I would like to.

There's just something about downtown GR in the sunshine....